Hi all,
I wanted to show you the before and after scripts, but it looks like I have stoopidly saved the final one over the top of the draft, doohhh! Anyway, here’s what I ended up with.
Feb 2010 –Fringe Bar
Hullo, my name is lisx, and up until [43 seconds ago] I have been an actively practicing comedy virgin. But tonight is the night, ….and you are …the chosen.
Well I just turned 43, time is running out, it’s now or never, and frankly, I can’t afford to be choosy.
All I ask is that you be gentle with me.
Actually, there is a hell of a lot going on for me as a comedy virgin, contemplating deflorestation. All that angst! It’s a very vulnerable time. There’s a lot to consider.
For instance, I’m experiencing a bit of a moral dilemma up here, exposing myself to you like this. After all I really don’t know you very well yet, I just met you in a bar for goodness sake. Shouldn’t we at least have at least had dinner first?
And to be honest, I’m not even very sure how it’s all done…
(For instance – ) Should these lights be on? At first I thought I’d like them off altogether. It’s bloody hard to hold my stomach in, and tits out, for this long. Maybe it’s ok as long as they are very dim. But – isn’t this spotlight just a bit kinky? How would I know? And how’s those guys watching from over at the bar? Is that normal? It’s all very puzzling.
Then there’s the whole size thing. To put it bluntly, I have no idea if this audience is big enough? It looks quite small to me, but then I’ve got nothing to benchmark against. I have been told on good authority that size actually DOES matter, but I don’t want to offend you on our first night together, so um – I just want to let you know that you are the biggest audience that I have ever seen….
Strangely enough, I couldn’t find anything in Cosmopolitan about comedy foreplay. Maybe foreplay just isn’t that funny? It sure LOOKs funny, and often it SOUNDS quite funny too.…But if it’s ok by you , maybe we could just take the foreplay as read, and get straight into it?
Bear with me while I just put on some protection…
In terms of my overall performance, I don’t want to tease you. But should I be aiming to just… tickle your fancy, and leave you …wanting more? The disadvantage is that you might leave feeling frustrated and , well, just a bit limp, and I’m really hoping you’ll want to see me again.
So maybe instead I should go all out for a standing ovation, and try to leave you soooo satisfied, that no-one else will be able to do it for you, ever again. I’m just not at all sure.
Of course, when I get more experienced, I’m sure I’ll be able to take it all in hand. I’ll be able to warm you up in about 30 seconds flat, I reckon.
And even better, I’ll be able to gracefully and elegantly clean up when things inevitably get a bit messy, like – if you laugh prematurely, or if there are a couple of damp patches, or if, heaven forbid – you fall asleep on me.
In preparing myself emotionally for the big reveal tonight, I gave myself a big talking to. I decided that it’s no good being all sensitive, I just need to harden up about a few things. So I just want to reassure you, before we go any further, that:
- I’m NOT not expecting counting on you bringing me a cup of tea tomorrow morning (but if you want to, it’s milk no sugar, ta.).
- I heard someone laughing in the middle of my performance before, and I just want you to know that I am determined to view this as a good thing. Constructive criticism and all that.
- And finally, I’d actually be very comfortable if, at the end of this, I end up getting a good dose of the clap out of this.
Please let me know if the earth moved for you. I can truthfully say that I have NEVER had an audience as expert as you, you’ve been great. And I’ve been Lisx, the comedy virgin.